So… Let’s talk about the big changes. If you’re looking for reviews or outfit posts maybe skip over this one as it’s a bit of a brain dump. For those who don’t know, I’m now a fiancé and a mum-to-be, and technically nothing has changed yet. But also everything has changed.
I’m still doing all my normal activities – working the day-job full time, meeting clients, blogging and attending events (less boozey ones now sadly), seeing friends, yoga classes a few times a week, wandering around, watching stuff on Netflix… but now I’m doing all of those things while casually making a person. Without even concentrating on it. Which explains why I’m exhausted, but seems so massive and bizarre. And a little worrying.
I mean, I’ve sort of seen babies before (mostly from a distance) so I know what they’re supposed to look like. But now I’ve been left with the sole responsibility of making one and keeping the little thing alive until November (and beyond I guess!) and I’m a bit concerned I might not have been paying proper attention and my body might somehow get it wrong.
And then there were three…
I also keep wondering who it is. Who is inside me? They’re a whole person, just a really small one, and I don’t know who it is. I don’t even know at this point if they’ll be a male or a female person. That’s such a weird thought. I’ve been having a lot of weird thoughts.
When we first found out I wasn’t sure how I felt. I think it’s okay to say that. It wasn’t planned and it came as a big shock. My other half was very excited from day one and wanted to tell everyone he knew. But I just felt a little bit shellshocked, and then on top of that I was getting all of the side-effects. Hello first trimester! Waking up with what felt like a hangover every day (headache + morning sickness + fatigue) is less than ideal when you have shit to do, and can’t actually have a glass or several of wine. Nothing really to convince me this was a Good Thing that was happening. In fact for a long time I struggled even saying the word ‘pregnant’.
Speaking of the tiredness I’ve never known anything like it. By about 3pm every day I’ve felt like I was hitting a brick wall. If I sat down for more than 10 minutes at home I was nodding off. With my fiance (new terminology alert!) continuing to live life, I felt like I was trapped in the house by either my own sleepiness, or my inability to drink and not being able to tell people yet why. Most of my friends, like I was, are not currently planning children. We were all quite happy getting drunk and going on holiday, so I’ll admit it was a little bit lonely for me at first.
Now that people know it’s a little easier. And, at just over 16 weeks, the sickness is starting to wear off which is nice. So things are temporarily returning to normal. People keep telling me to start trying to ease off on my workload now etc but it’s hard when I like being busy and outwardly I’m fine. In fact, it feels like nothing at all is happening. Currently any ‘bump’ is more likely to be pasta than a baby. I’m still tired, a bit adverse to the smell of salmon and I’ve had more blood tests than I’m sure are entirely necessary. But nothing major for something so fundamentally life changing!
His and hers reading material
Really the only things preventing me from keeping on top of things seems to be the fact that I’m utterly SHATTERED. I know this is the second time I’ve mentioned it but I just can’t get enough sleep, and then cruelly I’ve developed RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) which is apparently quite common in pregnancy, especially for those with history of migraines. This means that I’m getting a devastatingly little amount of sleep on a night, and so is anyone else in the vicinity. But apart from that, I feel very normal.
At my most recent the midwife visit she asked how I was and I said fine. Great, thanks. Chipper as anything. Firstly because it’s surely a standard response of a stranger asks how you are, and secondly because nothing terrible has happened. Then she asked if I’d not had any nausea. So I told her that yes, I’ve been feeling queasy 80-90% of the time but have only actually been sick about 9 times in the last 16 weeks, which isn’t bad really. She then asked if I’d had any headaches. I said that I’d had a headache most days and was trying to avoid taking paracetamol more than once a day maximum. I also cheerfully explained that paracetamol is not really helping but I’m powering through. She asked if there’d been anything else and I just said I was pretty tired and mentioned the RLS.
She sat back and said she thought I was being very stoic. I genuinely didn’t know what to say. I was a bit embarrassed to be honest. I didn’t and don’t think I particularly am. You hear horror stories about what some women go through while pregnant, and I’ve not had any spotting or scary stomach pains or anything ‘worrying’ or debilitating so I figured the rest was all normal stuff to just get on with. Hell, I’m not even showing at 4 months so that’s not bad going! Time’s passing so quickly anyhow, it’ll be November and all over before I know it.
This still all sounds very negative. The best thing that’s happened so far was definitely the 12 week scan. I was not prepared for all of the feels that morning. I was so concerned about the midwives not finding anything and how mortified I’d be telling our parents I’d made it up, that I’d forgotten to think about the actual magic of seeing our baby wriggling around inside me for the first time. Mind-blowing stuff. That was the first time we’d actually experienced something together too, and he got all choked up which was nice – it was a big day. That made all of the negative stuff above pale in comparison.
I’m aware this might still sound like a big whingey post, but as always I use my blog to get things down ‘on paper’ that I’m not voicing much in person. It’s cathartic to type it out. In real life I’m fine. If you see me I’ll definitely tell you I feel quite normal, because I do (unless I’m asleep), and really everything is eclipsed by the fact that I just can’t wait to meet him or her. Roll on November.
If you can identify with any of this, or are currently pregnant please do leave me a comment or get in touch! I’d love to hear about your first trimester and whether you’ve experienced any of the same stuff I have.